9 lives. In the last 4.5 years, 9 of my family and friends have died.
It is so strange to be entering the “prime time” of my life (the early twenties and college) while being so completely surrounded by death. And it would be too cliché to say that all of this death has helped me appreciate the sanctity of life or even make the overly zealous claim that all this hardship has made me into a “better person.” In actuality, these last 4.5 years have been a chaotic cycle— right as I start to cope with one loss, another one strikes. While in this seemingly eternal loss cycle, I’ve had my own struggles with mental and physical health, relationships, school, work, et cetera. And many times, I’ve had to sideline my internal struggles to be there for my fellow friends and family affected by one of the 9 losses. I would never regret helping my friends and family. And I do not regret having to sideline my personal issues in the process. So much of my life has been spent in a bitterness fueled by some type of regret. But now, in the early stage of another mourning period, I do not know what to do or say, who to tell, where to ask for help, or what to even feel. Sometimes I want to grab dinner with friends, go out dancing, work on homework, go to work, take a nice walk, go work out, watch a funny movie, play board/card games, volunteer, try something new! And other times, I just want to isolate myself. I'm constantly questioning every feeling and action I take as I try to handle these losses. How am I able to reconcile feelings of joy in times of mourning? How am I able to reconcile joy when every few months for the last 4.5 years, there has been a new start of another mourning period? Nevertheless, I've had some of the greatest times and befriended the greatest people. And I would never want to discredit these joyful moments because they happened in the midst of grieving. Despite all these amazing times, these losses have still been an immense struggle. As someone who experiences emotions more privately, loss becomes another type of struggle. Am I grieving right? Does my family not think I am affected because I don’t cry in front of them? Should I even tell my friends what’s going on? Should I even tell my teachers what’s going on? Is it okay to feel so hurt? How do I get over this sadness? Why do I STILL feel so hurt by a loss? And to all who sympathize with the spiraling of questioning your own feelings, know that there are more of us who are just so confused and frustrated by the effect sadness and grief can have on us. It really is an internal battle between ‘what do I want to be feeling’ vs. ‘how I actually feel’ and how do I fix my feelings/reach out to others when I am so embarrassed and frustrated by being so emotionally unwound. Loss is such a demanding part of life. You’re compelled to put aside yourself for the sake of others. You’re forced to evaluate your own emotional state. You’re supposed to reconcile joy and sadness. You somehow have to keep living as you confront death. (Talk about the irony.) Life is hard, regardless of who you are and what you’ve been through. It’s hard for everyone (which doesn’t make it easier). But when you’re around so much death, it becomes especially hard to live because you’re supposed to be thankful that you’re still alive, but somehow do this while in such an emotionally tumultuous and unpleasantly chaotic state. Then you question if it’s selfish of you to be so miserable when you are the blessed one who is still living. And you could shrug off your emotions and never truly process them. But then, you’ll never process the grief and forever be plagued by the emotional repercussions. Or you could barrel through your emotions and ‘pseudo-fix-yourself,’ which I have found only leads to a relentless bitterness overriding your soul. So then what are you to do in the midst of loss? In mourning times, the ancient Greeks and Romans beat their chests and ripped out their hair. Maybe that’s the route I should be taking? Except that’s far too public for a private emotional processor like me. So, I don’t know. (How dissatisfying!) After 4.5 years full of loss, I still have no idea the “proper” way to mourn or the “best” way to cope. All I can say is that everyone experiences different hardships. And these hardships affect everyone to different degrees. So maybe we should all be a little kinder and show a little more love because (insert cliché) you really never know what people are going through. (The last time I posted on this blog was 4 years ago about my grandpa. Then, a few months later, he died. In hopes of preserving his memory, I’ve avoided posting since. But now I have 6 more memories to persevere.) “I have been bent and broken, but - I hope - into a better shape.” -Charles Dickens, Great Expectations K, K, *, J, J, G, M, M, J
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AuthorLife enthusiast, tea addict, Winnie the Pooh admirer who is hopelessly pursuing happiness by any and all means. Archives
April 2020
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