Rebecca
Experiences So Terribly. I am such a bad rest-er. I always have had multiple jobs and responsibilities in high school and college. I worked full-time while doing grad school and research. Even when I’ve had space, aka COVID lockdown, I kept myself busy with constant tv, reading, zoom calls, etc. And, now I am coming into a lot of free time (#fUnemployed), which seems like the good space to ‘rest.’ But, I am so bad at resting. I feel guilty when I sleep past 7. I feel embarrassed if I don’t have tons of work to talk about. I feel ashamed if I am not producing something. And, in the moments where I try to force myself to rest, I often find myself just using distractions like movies, youtube, etc to trick myself into thinking that I’m resting. But, I’m not. I am sure of that when I wake up the next morning still exhausted and even more dissatisfied with my choices. I know that it’s bad, but I still do it. Plato would say that I’m dumb and lack virtue. I can kind of get behind that. But, Aristotle would say I am just giving in to the overwhelming pressure of desire. I think I like this explanation more because it fits better….but maybe that’s just my dumbness and lack of virtue talking. ANYWAYS, I think I am rest repellant. Honestly, I'm not sure how to even rest well. So, in this time off I have, I am (somehow) going to prioritize resting well! It’s going to suck. lol. I know this because every time I have tried to rest (take time to myself), unprocessed past trauma always comes up. LIKE GO AWAY. It is so incredibly frustrating that our bodies start to process trauma when we’re safe, aka able to rest. So, instead of reveling in my newfound rest time, I have to deal with years of unprocessed trauma that decides to pop up when things are going seemingly well (And, not just me— this seems pretty universal). Maybe that is why resting is so hard. I know that stopping myself and giving her time to reflect will show open wounds that I hoped were already scarred over. So, while I don't really know how to rest well, I can assume that my rest is not going to look “restful.” My rest is going to require work-- working through stuff I don't want to relive. That is so scary and uncomfortable. To sit with myself. To remember what I have done and what has been done to me. To feel things I couldn’t feel for years. This rest is going to require so much work. “But rest shouldn’t require work?” Yeah sure that sounds kind of intuitively correct...But, when you remember that rest is a refreshing of the soul and this soul is broken into quite a few pieces, then refreshing and rebuilding this fragmented soul will require putting the pieces back together, i.e., work. So what does that work look like? How much is too much? Should I be journaling more? Reading more? Walking more? How do I rest well to restore myself? I can't find a clear or definitive answer. It seems to change daily. One day, walking helps me. The next day, walking creates toxic thinking. AND THIS IS PROBABLY WHY I HATE RESTING. I just can’t figure out how to do it well. Bleh. Where is the rest formula? Why hasn’t science figured this out? How much rest until my childhood trauma is resolved? Oh 400 minutes of journaling and 30 minutes of sunshine/day? Bet. All this to say, I am a bad rest-er because I know that in giving myself space to rest, I am giving past trauma space to return. This scares me. Can I handle that? Will it hurt me more? How will it affect my relationships? I thought I’d be so happy living in ignorance and unprocessed stuff, but, as I get older, I realize that unprompted emotional outbursts and intense mood swings are so 2016. So here’s to some much needed time to sit and process. It's going to get ugly. SO HERE’S TO… DEVELOPING A WINDOW OF TOLERANCE BIG ENOUGH THAT I CAN SEE THE WORLD’S BEAUTY! HOLDING PAST ME’S HAND AS WE WALK THROUGH SOME DARK TIMES! RESTING! (And by resting, I mean crying in my room over something that happened when I was 13.) CHEERS.
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Today my professor said something poignant about the COVID-19 pandemic. Enjoy my best rephrasing: "Everyone is waiting for this pandemic to end so that we can go back to normal, but for many of you seniors, you don't have a normal yet. Now is supposed to be the time you're creating your normal, and, given the present circumstances, you can't." For seniors, the last several weeks of our college are crucial to forming our 'normal.' And after being in the education system for at least 16 years, it's essential to have this time to find our 'normal' because the real world is FAR different from academia (especially if you're in something without a direct career path like any humanities). Basically, us soon-to-be college graduates are now finding ourselves at a crossroad many have seen. But, our crossroad is unlike that of past years. At our crossroad, someone has pulled our breaks and then put us in quicksand. We're drowning. We really are. And our drowning is not limited to the obvious financial stress— nearly all my fellow seniors have lost their jobs but still have rent and bills to pay. We are drowning in the unmeet expectations for the closure of a H U G E part of our life. We had bar crawls, goodbye parties, award ceremonies, research symposia, vacations, and more planned in these final weeks. And now our last hurrah is replaced with Zoom and a few emails telling us to "STAY POSITIVE" or" SISTER JEAN CARES ABOUT YOU." This is not boosting morale. It just makes us angry and annoyed. How about you pay student workers? Or even give us some remote work. I guarantee that will increase morale. And throughout this time, I've been trying to reconcile my hurt feelings with my very very very obvious privilege. I'm not a healthcare worker on the frontline. I'm not a grocery store employee or other essential workers. I don't have a family expecting me to provide. I have a financially and emotionally supportive family and friends. I have easy access to the resources I need. I am 'staying at home' with the best person I could. No one I know is in the ICU full of ventilator tubes. Honestly, I am SO incredibly lucky with my situation in this crisis. But, I am still scared, frustrated, anxious, overworked, mentally unstable— I go on an emotional rollercoaster daily just thinking about how I am going to support myself and what I am going to do after this. And oh my gosh, nothing is more triggering than getting asked by professors, family, and friends the damning question, "What are you doing after graduation?" And I just want to scream and cry and throw up (all at the same time). LIKE, I HAVE NO IDEA. I've been applying to jobs like crazy despite knowing that no one is hiring or will be hiring anytime soon. I've been trying to keep up with schoolwork, but I seriously have no motivation. I want to talk with friends over zoom, but I'm just so tired all the time. And I know that there are so many others in my position, especially other seniors. For most of our life, we've been preparing to go out into the real world after we graduate from undergrad. And now we finally get to that scary point, but the real world isn't here. We have expectations for what our 'normal' should have been in the months preceding and following graduation, but now many of these expectations seem unattainable. And with all this said, I am still actively following the orders in place because I do not want to prolong this. So, stay safe while you await the return of your 'normal.' But, if you know anyone who, like me, was expecting to transition into their 'normal' and now has to suspend their entrance into normalcy indefinitely, reach out because we are struggling lol. But at least we got Tiger King and toilet paper memes? 9 lives. In the last 4.5 years, 9 of my family and friends have died.
It is so strange to be entering the “prime time” of my life (the early twenties and college) while being so completely surrounded by death. And it would be too cliché to say that all of this death has helped me appreciate the sanctity of life or even make the overly zealous claim that all this hardship has made me into a “better person.” In actuality, these last 4.5 years have been a chaotic cycle— right as I start to cope with one loss, another one strikes. While in this seemingly eternal loss cycle, I’ve had my own struggles with mental and physical health, relationships, school, work, et cetera. And many times, I’ve had to sideline my internal struggles to be there for my fellow friends and family affected by one of the 9 losses. I would never regret helping my friends and family. And I do not regret having to sideline my personal issues in the process. So much of my life has been spent in a bitterness fueled by some type of regret. But now, in the early stage of another mourning period, I do not know what to do or say, who to tell, where to ask for help, or what to even feel. Sometimes I want to grab dinner with friends, go out dancing, work on homework, go to work, take a nice walk, go work out, watch a funny movie, play board/card games, volunteer, try something new! And other times, I just want to isolate myself. I'm constantly questioning every feeling and action I take as I try to handle these losses. How am I able to reconcile feelings of joy in times of mourning? How am I able to reconcile joy when every few months for the last 4.5 years, there has been a new start of another mourning period? Nevertheless, I've had some of the greatest times and befriended the greatest people. And I would never want to discredit these joyful moments because they happened in the midst of grieving. Despite all these amazing times, these losses have still been an immense struggle. As someone who experiences emotions more privately, loss becomes another type of struggle. Am I grieving right? Does my family not think I am affected because I don’t cry in front of them? Should I even tell my friends what’s going on? Should I even tell my teachers what’s going on? Is it okay to feel so hurt? How do I get over this sadness? Why do I STILL feel so hurt by a loss? And to all who sympathize with the spiraling of questioning your own feelings, know that there are more of us who are just so confused and frustrated by the effect sadness and grief can have on us. It really is an internal battle between ‘what do I want to be feeling’ vs. ‘how I actually feel’ and how do I fix my feelings/reach out to others when I am so embarrassed and frustrated by being so emotionally unwound. Loss is such a demanding part of life. You’re compelled to put aside yourself for the sake of others. You’re forced to evaluate your own emotional state. You’re supposed to reconcile joy and sadness. You somehow have to keep living as you confront death. (Talk about the irony.) Life is hard, regardless of who you are and what you’ve been through. It’s hard for everyone (which doesn’t make it easier). But when you’re around so much death, it becomes especially hard to live because you’re supposed to be thankful that you’re still alive, but somehow do this while in such an emotionally tumultuous and unpleasantly chaotic state. Then you question if it’s selfish of you to be so miserable when you are the blessed one who is still living. And you could shrug off your emotions and never truly process them. But then, you’ll never process the grief and forever be plagued by the emotional repercussions. Or you could barrel through your emotions and ‘pseudo-fix-yourself,’ which I have found only leads to a relentless bitterness overriding your soul. So then what are you to do in the midst of loss? In mourning times, the ancient Greeks and Romans beat their chests and ripped out their hair. Maybe that’s the route I should be taking? Except that’s far too public for a private emotional processor like me. So, I don’t know. (How dissatisfying!) After 4.5 years full of loss, I still have no idea the “proper” way to mourn or the “best” way to cope. All I can say is that everyone experiences different hardships. And these hardships affect everyone to different degrees. So maybe we should all be a little kinder and show a little more love because (insert cliché) you really never know what people are going through. (The last time I posted on this blog was 4 years ago about my grandpa. Then, a few months later, he died. In hopes of preserving his memory, I’ve avoided posting since. But now I have 6 more memories to persevere.) “I have been bent and broken, but - I hope - into a better shape.” -Charles Dickens, Great Expectations K, K, *, J, J, G, M, M, J Today was my grandfather’s birthday. It was almost the last thing on my mind to call him. I guess that is partially because my grandparents have no always been the most fond of me, and it seems almost pointless to call someone, get a meaningless thank you, and resume my previous task. But I did it anyways because he gave a generous donation to my college fund.
I was pleasantly surprised to get his voicemail. when I called I left a simple message: happy birthday, hope it was great, and sorry for the lateness of this call. No love you. No goodnight. Just kind of an awkward giggle (of which I am none for). Not even 5 minutes later he called me back, but I was in the quiet part of the library so I couldn’t pick up (Not that I would have picked up if I was anywhere else). So not even because I wanted to hear it, but only to rid my screen of the notification, I listened to his message. It was a solid 15 seconds of him repeating thank you. And somewhere in those 15 seconds a force overcame me: perhaps guilt, maybe regret, something nonetheless. How did my 12 seconds, apathetic phonemail receive such laud. Again my phone rang with my grandfathers name flashing across the screen. This time I assumed it was a mistake— butt dial or something. And still in the libraries depths of silence, I declined the call. Yet another voicemail. This time I was expecting some rattling in a pant pocket or faded voices. To my surprise the message was a continuation of my grandfather’s thankfulness for my birthday wish. Again, a force overcame me. This time more powerful than the last. I had received two phone calls expressing extreme gratitude for a lackluster birthday voicemail. Wow. Nevertheless, from someone I virtually put no effort into maintaining a relationship with (as awful as this sounds, its the horrible truth). Not to sound cliche, but it seems like our generation has marked appreciation as a dying fad. If everyone I knew got half excited about simple acts of kindness like my grandfather, the world may be a more forgiving, loving, and beautiful place. Who wouldn’t want to be swept off their feet by a genuine thank you for a small task? Would that not only empower each other to spread the kindness and genuineness which our generation has unfortunately began to lose? Is it not one of the simplest tasks to be genuine and express thanks? Perhaps all the layers we wear to please the world have made genuineness and thankfulness an ancient artifact of the past. That only means we’ll need some archaeologist to uncover it. And I can sure as hell can dig that! Well this last month of summer was probably the busiets of my life. I was averaging about 3 hrs of sleep per night and was constantly doing something! It was the best. Here is a brief overview of the many adventures that took place in August.
Foggy Mornings My bestest friend woke me up early and we drove around amid fog. It was awesome ebcause it was like we were one with the clouds. I may have taken about 100 pictures. Graffiti There is a spot in our town where all the cool kids tend to hang out. And the walls are plastered with incredibly beautiful graffiti. On more than several occasions my friends and I went there to admire the "amature" artists. We may have even added a few of our own pieces. 2 am Noodle Runs Nothing like running out to get 7 boxes of noodles. There were quite a lot of stares. Hippie Bonfire I tend to end up in the strangest situations with people I know in the weirdest way. This time I ended up at my friends coworkers house with all of his friends. They sang Bob Dylan and The Beatles and even some of their original pieces. At one point, this guy pretended to play a log of wood. It was strange, but also so crazy cool! Milwaukee Book Store My frequent adventure buddy and I randomly decided to take a trip out to Milwaukee. Here we found cute coffee shops, took pictures with weird statues, admired the beautiful riverfront, and most importantly found an outrageous used bookstore. No joke, there were at least 75 shelfs full of old books; I even found a couple archaeology textbooks! Downtown Wheaton Exploring coffee shops on a gloomy day was perfect! Especially when they play your favorite band and have bearded baristas with the gooniest life advice. Evanston Florida Wisdom Removal Fairy Festival Friend's Violin Recital Ladies' Night in Chi-town Art Institute and Concerts in the Park Lots of Goodbyes Navy Pier Fireworks Six Flags Texas And now...COLLEGE: the adventure of a lifetime. Unfortunately the start of summer class have limited the frequency and extremity of my adventures, but still trying to make the most of it!
Creperie In the fall, I took an independent study course with nine others. Given the size of our class and peculiar personalities, we all grew superclose. About two weeks ago, a majority of us ventured to a cute nearby creperie! Everything about the restaurant was adorable: fine china, artsy inside waterfalls, vintage mirrors, and more. The food was 10/10, a bit expensive but totally worth it. After we ate, we enjoyed the beautiful day by walking around and getting some dessert. Our reunion was as sophisticated and delightful as the class. Late-night M&M Runs Resulting in Throwing Sticks at Children and Fish Hunting Unlike most of my adventures, these take place extremely close to home. So one night my bestest and weirdest friend came over. Of course we eventually left my house because she was hardcore craving M&Ms. We got the M&Ms and on the way back to my house this song came on the radio talking about throwing sticks at children. This started a long, strange conversation about throwing sticks at children which evolved into a playlist specifically for throwing sticks at children. We, no joke, sat in my driveway for two hours perfecting this playlist. Each song would be tested to see if it was the appropriate speed to gather and/or throw sticks. But of course, this was not our only strange late night outing this week. We also went out at like 11 pm to buy a pet fish. What fishery (I know a fishery is for harvesting fish, but I liked how it sounded.) would be open at such an hour? Meijer. The workers seemed mildly confused as to why two girls were out at this hour purchasing a fish. It didn't matter though because now we have a new friend: Bamf. Then, in typical us fashion, we sat in my driveway for an obnoxious amount of time, talking about throwing sticks at children. Color "Run" My three friends (and their dad) and I went to the color "run". I emphasize the quotation marks because in no way, shape, or form did any running occur. Although I was a bit bummed about the lack of running, we still had a fantastic time moving through all clouds of color in our homemade tutus (shoutout to Kaitlin for making them). We even hijacked a box of the blue color powder which resulted in us becoming smurfs. Once we had crossed the finish line, we went to a "color run rave" where we danced in a large crowd and threw color packets everywhere. My skin was tainted blue for the next couple of days. It was worth it. Tea Cups and Terrariums This past week my friends and I went to a terrarium event! Here we made our own huge terrariums, drank buckets of tea, and ate petite desserts. We made the terrariums by layering soil on top of charcoal on top of moss on top of rocks. Then we personalized them with various succulents and pebbles. I attempted to make my look like a tiny garden. It kind of worked, but I could have planned it out better (lol). Our creative juices were still flowing once everyone had finished their terrarium, so we took some of the disposable teacups we were drinking from and transformed them into miniature terrariums. They are too cute to handle. It has been quite the adventure-filled summer!
Indiana Dunes The first adventure of this week was to the Indiana dunes. My friend and I packed up some picnic lunches and road tripped it out there on a sunshiny day. It was gorgeous weather and no one we knew was there. Unfortunately, the water was freezing, but we went in anyways. I got hit in the face by a flying beach umbrella too, that was quite humorous. Michigan Dunes Back at it with them dune trips, amirite? This time my friend and I "kidnapped" another adventurous soul as we travelled to the lovely state of Michigan. Here we climbed up miles of sand hills and played in some 70ish degree water for a few hours. It was a magnificent time. We even tried learning Finnish while warming up on the sand. The drive back was fun too-- sudden downpours, watermelon eating, and good jamz. Waterfall Glen There is a forest preserve/state park thing a short drive away from me that is holds some great paths and waterfalls. My friends and I went here this week and wandered arounf for about 2 hours. We found some cool inlets and rock formations. We encountered some strange kids and had lots of laughs. It's always lovely to explore a beautiful place with beautiful souls. French Market On a beautiful morning my friend, her mom, and her sister travelled to a nearby town's French Market. It was magical! There was a huge selection of French desserts that were super tasty. A French nun was there selling croissants and butter cookies from her church. She has an awesome French accent. We eventually stumbled upon a Thai food truck where we ate some delicious spring rolls. The weather was fabulous, the people were fabulous, and the food was even more fabulous. Milwaukee And the final adventure of this log! My parents and I randomly went to downtown Milwaukee. We walked on the beautiful two mile riverwalk they have there. Along the pathway, there are about 20 modern sculptures, each one somewhat resembling something on the riverwalk. It was beautiful. After our wandering, we went to a cheese castle (yes, this is a real thing). For someone who doesn't like cheese, it was kind of disgusting, but I had to endure so that I could say I've been to a cheese castle. And so begins my final carefree summer. In an effort to effectively enjoy all my freedom and lack of major responsibilities, I have vowed to adventure everyday. I'll try and keep readers updated on the fun adventures!
So far I have... Car Meet I went to my first car meet! I may have been the least knowledgeable person there! But it was still a blast. For those of you who are like me a week ago and don't know what a car meet consists of, it is basically an independent car museum. People come to them to exhibit or show off their cars to fellow car enthusiasts. Some of the most notable things I saw include: rave lights under the car, shark teeth on the hood, and pretty engines that I knew nothing about (but hey they looked and sounded cool). I loved walking around and seeing hundreds of people I have never, and probably would have never seen if I hadn't gone to this event. Vroom VROOOM. Chocolate Festival This week my friend and I ventured to a somewhat local chocolate festival. We met some merchants who traveled all around South Asia to retrieve various products you would most likely find in a yogi's home. It was awesome and inspiring to hear their stories of mischief and discovery! After this encounter we headed to the small shops surrounding the festival. There was an Irish Boutique store where I, of course, snagged some tea. Here we also learned how important tea is in Irish life which gave me a sense of belonging: tea brings peoples together. Finally we made our way to a potpourri antique store. It slightly resembled a hoarder's house. I got some 20th c. local political buttons. I'm so hip. We left after a short visit to the Norwegian store where we learned about "uff da" or the pity Norwegians sarcastically give each other. T'was an enlightening trip. Civil War Days Finally, today I volunteered and attended a Civil War reenactment in my area. While volunteering I met many veterans which was so beautiful. While roaming around the "museum", I had the pleasure of time-traveling to the early 1860s. Women were in antebellum dresses and men were dressed in wool suits. Battles were recreated with cannons and guns (everything was safe, of course). Medals were created on site using boiling tin. And kettle corn was freshly made in honor of the festivities. I loved getting to experience an entirely different world. Wowza, the past months have been packed with college decisions, finishing high school, various weekend trips, and day trips. I'm glad to finally be back and ready to start posting about things I learned during the busiest time of my life. Stay posted!
Maybe it's just me, but does anyone else find it extremely difficult to make healthy choices when it concerns themselves? It seems that I usually end up sacrificing my own sanity so that the majority can benefit. Even worse, in some situations the "majority" is only one person! Perhaps we overestimate ourselves? Perhaps we underestimate ourselves? I'm trying to figure out if this is an effect of being too overconfident in ourselves, thinking we are able to handle losing our sanity; or if we put our needs second because we don't think they deserve validation.
I know that sometimes I think that if I have to give up something to make someone else happy, then whatever I gave up will be worth it. But sometimes people aren't made happy by what I gave up. They aren't upset, but they aren't at the happiness level that would compensate for whatever I gave up. And there is nothing wrong with them not being made happy by something I do. There is, however, something wrong with me gambling my stability on someone else's reaction. To explain better, no one can control how another person will react to a situation. Yes, some situations may have higher likelihood of yielding a positive or negative reaction. But, ultimately, no one can always preform an experiment where the action of one produces the reaction they were looking for. So, what it comes down to is understanding your limits. If a large part of your foundation must be given to make someone else's building one you can lean on, is it worth it? Risking your own stability to possibly make someone's better? This seems too risky for me. On the contrary, you may need to give a smaller part of your foundation to help someone else's building. In this case, you are not risking your stability for another; instead, you are helping someone else while maintaining your own solid foundation. The problem lies in you having to determine what size chunk of your foundation is needed in the various situation. I've enlisted time as my discerning force, meaning over time I have made plenty of mistakes in effectively proportioning my giving so that I am now able to better size out my giving. This may not be the most efficient route. So to make better use of your time I recommend learning from those around you. Observe people know themselves well enough to understand how much of themselves they are willing to give to others. Then take your findings and apply them to your own life and watch your foundation strengthen. So, take care of yourself because your well-being is far too important to be gambled on unpredictable human reaction. It is so easy to run back to things that make you feel comfortable when you’re bored or sad or you just want to feel something. But, I am learning that comfortable is not always the best.
For countless years I have sold myself short because I continually ran back to toxic people to find some sort of comfort in troubling. If I had a bad day I sought encouragement or pity; if I was bored I talked to them because they would most likely disappoint me enough so that I would actually feel something; if I did not really like myself that day I looked for some immediate validation; if there was something missing from my life, my instinct was to have toxicity somehow fill the hole. Soon enough I would learn that trying to fill a hole with something toxic only enlarges it. And by soon enough I mean tonight. Unfortunately, people are not the only form toxic takes: toxicity can be found in behaviours as well. Perhaps what you run back to in hopes of finding some deranged comfort is an unhealthy behaviour. But no matter how many seemingly quick fixes you get after performing such behavior, in the long run you will never be satisfied. And as times goes on, the behaviour will only become more prevalent in until it rules your life. So, although it may help in the moment, relying on unhealthy behaviours to fix yourself will only provide a temporary fix to a growing internal problem. Life is full of crossroads-- a moment where you are caught between two choices. Tonight my road were either run back to a known toxic person to try find some comfort in the fact that they would most definitely disappoint me, or I could choose to better myself. Obviously, my post makes it clear that I chose the latter. And after taking the wrong road so many times and ending up distraught an hour after talking with them, it feels amazing to finally have made the right choice. Tonight I am focused on me helping me fill my own holes. Instead of pouring toxic waste to fill the holes, I made the conscious effort to spare myself the long run misery (I experienced far too long) and help myself. And I encourage you all to do the same. Make the choice to save yourself from the toxins because you are worth more than that. Remember, it is so easy to run back; it is not easy to move forward. But it is always worth the extra effort. Over the years, I have accumulated some of the greatest friends a girl could have. And because of them I am blessed with an overall great life. Yes, sometimes small bad things cloud up my vision and make it seem like life sucks, but it doesn't; I have to give credit to the great people around me for this lack of suckiness in my life. They have taught me lessons that completely changed my perspective of life and how I was/am living. Here are a few of the most impactful lessons:
1. You can't fix everyone. 2. But it's okay to want to fix yourself. 3. Pain is inevitable, suffering is not. Bad things are bound to happen-- death, heartbreak, lies, disappointment-- and you may feel hurt during these things. But just because you are hurting does not mean you must suffer. You can go out with friends, paint by yourself, go for a walk when you're hurt so that you do not need to suffer. 4. Make everything fun. Find some fun in everything you do to make life more enjoyable. 5. Laugh at everything you think is even slightly funny. 6. Sometimes it's just timing. When things don't work it is not always something someone did or said, sometimes things didn't work out because of where you are in your life. 7. Feelings are uncontrollable and unreasonable, so accept you have them and move on. 8. Your well-being should be above pleasing other./ Don't lose yourself to gain someone else. 9. People don't belong in boxes, so don't put yourself or anyone else in them. Occasionally we give ourselves and other titles that run our lives. For example if you say you're depressed that may prevent you from enjoying some things in life, or if you only see yourself as an athlete you may never try the arts. We are fluid creatures who should not be confined to a title we or others give us. 10. Moderation is key in all aspects of life. 11. Challenge your mind./Better yourself. 12. Low expectations, high rewards. If you go into something not expecting anything, when something good happens you will be happy no matter how big or small the good thing is. And if nothing amazing happens you will be fine because you did not have your heart set on something great happening. So basically when you remove expectations, you end up with either contentment or happiness! 13. They're just not that into you, move on. We all hate to hear this, but sometimes people don't like you and you can't do anything about that. So instead of wasting time trying to make them like you, it's best to move on. 14. You deserve to and will be loved. 15. The past is in the past for a reason. 16. To forgive others, you must first forgive yourself. It's like trying to clean someone else's wound when you're bleeding-- you will only make both wounds worse. Step one should always be getting yourself right before moving onto other things. 17. Cut out toxic people. 18. The world is beautiful place to be explored. 19. Everyone needs alone time./Be patient with people. 20. It's cool to care. Talk about issues that bother you! Take action to help stop or start things you believe in! Why? Because your beliefs are important and should be fought for. A majority of these were not literally said to me; instead, many of my friends' actions illustrate these lessons which is a lesson-- actions speak louder than words (sometimes). Sometimes I get so lost in the idea that I mean nothing. But don’t we all. At some point in our lives we all create a world without ourselves: relationships without us, communities without us, projects without us. And for most of us the thought is as far as we get, which in hindsight is most definitely a good thing.
Recently, a friend introduced a book, Albert Camus’s The Myth of Sisyphus and Other Essays, to me that addresses man’s inability to find meaning and how to deal with it. My friend knew I had been extremely interested in the subject matter. He read a quote from the fourth page of the book that still resonates with me, “On the other hand, I see many people die because they judge that life is not worth living. I see others paradoxically getting killed for the ideas or illusions that give them a reason for living (what is called a reason for living is also an excellent reason for dying). I therefore conclude that the meaning of life is the most urgent of questions. How to answer it? On all essential problems (I mean thereby those that run the risk of leading to death or those that intensify the passion of living) there are probably but two methods of thought…” I’ve only read it about fifty times now, but each time I find more comfort than the last. Not only am I not the only one who questions life’s purpose, but a man actually spent a good chunk of time writing a book in which life’s meaning is abstractly revealed. Another quote that I find quite appealing is “It is a matter of living in that state of the absurd I know on what it is founded, this mind and this world straining against each other without being able to embrace each other. I ask for the rule— of life of that state, and what I am offered neglects its basis, negates one of the terms of the painful opposition, demands of me a resignation. I ask what is involved in the condition I recognize as mine; I know it implies obscurity and ignorance; and I am assured that this ignorance explains everything and that this darkness is my light.” To analyze this quote: the beginning discusses how our minds and this world will never be on the same page hence the never being able to “embrace each other” part. Next he begins to question the absurdity that is defined in the beginning. Knowing ignorance is greatly involved, he finishes this quote by incorporating a paradox— “darkness is my light”. The paradox exemplifies ignorance’s major role in explaining the meaning of an absurd life. One can take from this that lack of knowledge, in fact, gives our lives meaning. At various times, Camus also illustrates how man’s “whatever” attitude paves a pathway to meaning. One example is “The Myth of Sisyphus”. In this myth, the gods punish Sisyphus, forcing him to roll a large rock atop an ever large hill. Once the rock arrives at the top of the hill, its enormous weight causes the rock to roll back down the hill. Then Sisyphus must, again, roll the rock up the hill. Camus draws a parallel to Sisyphus and modern man. Both complete the same work everyday, just to continue the same work the next day. However, Camus believes this work provides joy to both parties, stating “The struggle itself towards the heights is enough to fill a man's heart.” From this one sees Camus sees struggle as a reason for man to live. And oddly enough, my analysis of this book helped me realize that I, as well as you, have meaning. As winter approaches, many of us seem to be falling into the "winter blues". It begins as a lack of motivation, then an inconsistent mood, and soon enough your attitude ends up emulating the vast dreariness outside your window. Personally, not a fan of this weather-induced mental health violation. But I, as well as you (or at least from what I know), are not in control of the weather. So how do we go about combating these "winter blues"? Most notably in my life, I've found that recognizing this darker season is approaching and setting up a plan beforehand proves to be the best method to sustaining/improving mental health during these dark months. Sadly, a plan as such requires extensive knowledge about yourself (meaning no one can give you a straight answer for how you can help yourself in this state). Some questions that may help when you're creating a plan are: How do you react to certain things? What cheers you up? How do you most like to spend your time? Are there food that alter your mood? Should you cut some things out of your life- perhaps toxic people or substances (this even meaning seemingly harmless things like caffeine)? Just like you prepare for fires, tornadoes, intruders, it's imperative that you prepare yourself for up and coming mental roadblocks. So if you're like me and winter seems to alter your mental state, I highly advise you to formulate some plan now so that when you're at breaking point you can know how to resume you're journey to a healthy mind. Some things I do in preparation for the "winter blues" include: -setting goals for myself! -getting involved in as many clubs/activities as I can handle before hand to keep myself busy -make a list of good movies to watch -find fun recipes to bake -write myself an encouraging letter to read when sad -create future plans with friends -buy lots of journals to rant in -tell my parents to force me to do things besides sitting in my room and watching Netflix I wish you the very best of luck in creating a plan if you do so! If the winter isn't the time of the year when you seem to go a tad bit insane than I highly suggest you make a plan a month or two in advance of your prospective freak out to help maintain your mental health. Good mental health is extremely important in all aspects of your life, so be sure to take care of yourself because you deserve to live a happy life! Life isn't about hooking up with a ton of people or getting crazy out of your mind or just trying to escape. It's about waking up with a ton of reasons to live. It's about getting into crazy adventures. It's about trying to live the most beautiful life accompanied by the most beautiful souls. And this is my third and final lesson of the summer: the recipe for a good life.
Disclaimer: "a good life" is completely subjective, but this is the concoction I found to make the most delicious life. 1. A pinch of risk. Live on the edge, but don't fall off the edge! 2. A handful of adventure. The best memories begin in the oddest of situations. You may not remember the night you went to see a movie or got dinner with someone, but, I guarantee you will have no problem remembering the nights you went cosmic bowling in some random town, walked around strange forest paths and found your new hang out spot, or when you stayed up all night so that you could bagels at 5 am. Thankfully, there are different levels of the type of adventure you can do. So if you only have an hour or so, you can always go to some old book store and explore or walk around a random area and skip down a large hill. However, if you have like a whole night you might end up in some big city eating food at a border-line shady, 24 hour, Indian restaurant. These are the crazy things you find yourself randomly smiling about in the middle of class. These are the crazy things that pretty much require a 100+ second long snapstory. These are the crazy things things that make for great stories. 3. A sprinkle of missed opportunity. Wow, thats kind of odd to insert something "bad" into a recipe for how to make a great life. "Bad" things are bound to happen, it's all in the way you look at them. In this case, you missing out on something may help 1)you appreciate the good times you've had more 2)when realizing how to prioritize your life because you may have been way more sad/less happy about ditching/missing something than wherever you ditched to. 3)you become more okay with you because no matter what you miss out on- you'll always be with yourself and finding out that no matter how hurt you are from missing something you can save yourself is the best self-encouragement you can get! 4. A dash of transparency. Be real with people. Share "you" with all the people you come in contact with! This is how strong relationships form. Yes, sometimes people won't like you for who you are- and then it's probably better just not to pursue a friendship with them. There are billions of people out there and not everyone is for everyone, but, given the odds, there will be at least one person who will accept you for being "you". 5. A splash of classy. In the midst of adventure, risk, and transparency do not forget to sophisticate your life! It's super fun to sleep outside under the stars in sweats and blankets, but its also great to balance your life out with some fancy dinners and riveting debates. If anything, I've found, besides being extremely engaging, these nights increase my ambition. It's good to see yourself in an "adult-like" type of environment- it's a glimpse at your future. And to be honest, most of these nights often end with some crazy adventure, but it is still a super great reminder your capabilities. I can have crazy outlandish fun, and I can occasionally become "adult-like". 6. A heap of laughter. IT'S LAUGHTER WE'RE AFTER! Laughter makes the world a great place. We all know about the infamous laughter induced tummy aches. Those are what I live for. If you have interacted with me, you know I am the queen of laughter and smiles. Why laugh so much? First off, its like telling the people you are with that you love the time you are having with them! And you would probably want to know if the people you're around are having a great time. Second, laughter is scientifically proven to increase overall joy in one's life. Okay, I read that on a Snapple cap in like 6th grade, so I don't know how accurate it truly is. BUT! I do believe that laughter, especially when life sucks, increases your overall satisfaction with your life. It probably has something to do with endorphins; laughing is like running, but your body doesn't hate you after (; 7. Most importantly, a heck of a lot of great people. Oh boy, I could talk for days, actually probably years, about all the great people in my life. Disclaimer 2: I am, by definition, an introvert, so I understand how pertinent alone time is and how reading alone can be just as fun as hanging out with people. But, when you really think about it, friends make life 24601x much better. Getting to see their personalities and experience all their difference is probably my favorite adventure. It's just so cool to think how unpredictable people are. It's even more cool to think about how each person has thousands of thoughts running through their head a day and majority of them are probably ones that you have never thought of before. But then within all their thoughts, it is still possibly to find similarities- things you can relate to. I love people a lot. They're probably my favorite adventure because I can hit up a cool graffiti spot 3 days a week and think this is awesome! Soon enough though, I'll be bored with the graffiti spot- people are so changing, creative, unique, complex that, at least the good ones, can almost never bore me. Slowly, but surely I'm starting to see that all these ingredients are all wonderful, but without that "heck of a lot of great people" none of the other ingredients would ever combine. So if you get anything from this, I hope it's: great people=great life. I've always been a self-love advocate. Much of this self-love preached stemmed from a dark time in my life when I followed the self-hate "mantra". But what I've learned from a summer full of romantic love and good times is that self-love has no "congratulations, you've loved yourself for 3 months (or whatever) now you'll be set for the rest of your life!" No, self-love is a lifelong process full of trials, tribulations, disappointments, joy, and peace. This summer has been one for the books. It's been freedom packed with my first summer with my own constant source of income, my own car, and no curfew. It's been lovely with great friends and a blooming relationship. It's been fun filled with crazy nights full of intriguing conversations, lively late nights, and other somewhat typical teenage business. Sadly, though throughout this I often sidelined my own mental maintenance. As you probably expected, a lifestyle as such resulted in just as low lows as high highs. Usually, the day after a stellar night I would feel off. The best way to describe it would be emotionally dissatisfied. It felt as if something was missing- not filling me up. And I couldn't exactly figure out what the problem within me was. But instead of trying to take a couple hours off from my crazy life to figure this out, I would drown out my minimal emotional confusion in more crazy fun times. Of course the highest of highs produced the lowest of lows. Finally one night I absolutely cracked- public tears, shaking for hours, completely emotionally destroyed. I was confused as to why such an emotional catastrophe occurred in such a ,what I thought, "good with themselves" person. Especially since the only time something this extreme ever happened was when I was super unsure of myself. Then it clicked. Somewhere between the fun nights and crazy memories I forgot to pause and love myself. In not doing so, I began to waiver in my own understanding of the person I truly am. It's like all the fun tricked my mind into thinking I was a-okay or in-check with my emotions. But I was just using an easy way out to give myself the "I feel good" fix I needed to have a night of fun. So in short, what I've learned is: The journey never quite gets any easier than when you first start loving yourself. To love oneself requires constant upkeep in the area of mental wellness- letting yourself feel things of great capacity, allowing yourself alone time to check up on yourself, immediately addressing any problems in your train of thought, and most importantly using coping methods that provide a healthy permanent fix rather than a quick and temporary one. You've got to keep up with yourself no matter the loss because when you're not in check everything around you will slowly fall alongside you. It's been over 4 month since I've written something- lots can change in 4 months. Thankfully, recently all these changes have finally manifested into wisdom. Number one lesson learned: moderation. Moderation is vital in living a healthy life. Moderating a part of your life makes it so that the one part remains just a part rather than completely taking over all that you are. And let's be honest, few would say a puzzle is complete with just one piece. So, just as puzzles, a single human is a collection of a multitude of pieces. And when all these pieces unify themselves they create the beautiful picture of you! For me, the hardest aspect to moderate turned out to be...people. I couldn't get enough of their crazy, unpredictable behaviors. No formula can 100% predict what a human will do and that intrigues my curious mind. However, too often will I put my own needs before my efforts to procure some solid understanding of people. This led to many disappointments in myself. It's like I had to trade pieces of my own puzzle to see another's. Soon enough, my puzzle was no longer the beautiful picture I once created. And quite frankly an empty puzzle would make anyone sad and empty for a long time, until they discovered that over time they can create a new picture. The first step in creating my new picture was stop giving my puzzle pieces away. To do this, one must first understand what you were hoping to get in return for the piece. My case was I wanted others to donate their pieces and fill the holes in my picture. Little did I know at the time, doing this would just ruin the picture even more. So once I began realizing the only way I could fill these holes was by going out and forming my own pieces, my picture began to develop once again. I would go spend alone time solidifying my views on certain topics relating to politics, foreign policy, philosophy, any and every thing. It was fabulous to slowly but surely see so few pieces multiple into the present picture of me. Occasionally though I would fall back into the some self-hate system, hoping someone could give me a one of their pieces to fill my pictures empty spot. It never worked. I would just end up losing another piece. These days were let downs. Eventually, these days turned into lessons and reminders of why I chose to be alone. As expected, this faulty logic led to my bitterness towards people- all they do is hurt me, they are not worth my time, I am better off alone. It was almost addictive in the sense that my bitterness towards one person fed my bitterness towards another until "I hated everyone". Now here's where moderation comes back into the story. Over the last few months I've come to see people actually help me, help me get myself a new piece. How wonderful! I can love everyone again! However, I m still encountered unhealthy "friends", Taft opened my eyes to the hatred still thriving in our world. This is when I realized things don't always have to be one extreme or the other- I don't have to hate everyone or love everyone; I can pick and chose who I let see my picture I've been creating the last 17 years. It seems like such an easy idea to grasp, but for me falling to one extreme or the other was so easy. Having exceptions and limits isn't easy when it comes to anything: drugs, alcohol, food, people, whatever you can think of. But overall, moderation is such a healthy lifestyle- it enables you to enjoy various aspects of life while maintaining your identity and sanity (puzzle). It's extremely tough at first to create a healthy balance, but you can do it! 1. Recognizing yourself as a procrastinator and saying you'll change, but never getting around to it. 2. The refresh button on social media is your best friend. Because why do the stuff you actually have to do when you can waste time refreshing and memorizing your newsfeed? 3. Letting everyone everywhere know you have to do something instead of actually doing it. 4. Analyzing your procrastination, so you can avoid doing the thing you're suppose to do. 5. Spending/wasting time justifying your procrastination so you don't have to do the things you're suppose to do.
Each night I die Before I lie Upon the other side. My friend, He travels aimlessly Across the midnight sky. Wishing we could somehow be, I understand our discrepancy: Too dark, Too bright. Too-day, Too-night. Enjoy these 12 silly nilly willy old quotes. Hopefully they warm your soul on this cold morning (or mourning)! |
AuthorLife enthusiast, tea addict, Winnie the Pooh admirer who is hopelessly pursuing happiness by any and all means. Archives
April 2020
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